6 Steps to Unshakeable Confidence
In my 20 years of coaching, I’ve met hundreds of folks who struggle with confidence. Powerful, badass, world-changing individuals. Seriously. The kind of people you put on your vision boards because you want to be like them someday.
Yep, even these folks have crises of confidence. Especially women.
I’m on a mission to change this. I’ve had E-N-O-U-G-H of powerful women doubting themselves.
Even now, I bet you’re thinking… “Oh, she’s talking to powerful women. That’s not me.” THINK AGAIN, SISTER! What I’m diving into here Is. For. You.
So let’s get started. Here are my tried-and-true Six Steps to Unshakeable Confidence.
Step 1: Lean In to the Hard Stuff
Life is full of hard stuff. Hard conversations, hard relationships, hard losses, hard mistakes. In those moments, you’ll want to turn away—maybe even run away—from the hard. Don’t.
Unexamined, unconfronted issues always find sneaky ways to make themselves heard—usually in our bodies. More and more research has shown how unresolved trauma and pain can set up shop in our bodies and cause disease over time (cuz your body be in dis-ease, you feel me?)
Practice facing your challenges head-on and allowing yourself to feel your feelings. (I know, such a seemingly simple concept, right?) When we experience rather than resist our pain, it passes, and we are able to move forward with confidence and ease. Don’t hide from your pain. Feel it and move on.
Step 2: Don’t Go Numb
What’s your escape route of choice? Booze? Food? Shopping? Social Media? Being plain old busy??
All of these can be healthy and normal parts of your life. It’s all about how you use them. Do you reach for a glass of wine to numb the pain of a recent loss? Do you scroll social media to avoid thinking about the mistake you made at work today? Do stay busy to avoid feeling sad or lonely?
If you’re trying to avoid or outrun your pain, I’ve got terrible news: Your pain is here to stay, until you feel it.
You’ll never have the confidence you long for if you keep numbing your pain. Every time you numb, you subtly tell yourself that you can’t handle that hard thing. The fastest way to grow your confidence is to stop numbing, face your pain, and learn that you can move beyond it. Because you can.
Step 3: Create Community
Don’t tell me that after the 2+ years of collective trauma we’ve all suffered that you’re still trying to be a lone wolf?!
This is no time to be a solitary hero. You need people, dammit (and they need you!).
No matter what, your community should include at least one cheerleader and at least one ass-kicker. Find the people who will root for you and the people who will hold your ass to the fire and make sure you do all the amazing things you were meant to do.
Step 4: Know This: You Will Survive
You’ve survived everything so far, haven’t you? Whatever you’re dealing with now, you’ll survive that, too. Not sure how? It’s simple: Follow steps 1-3.
You might be certain of the absolute, 100% truth of your own demise or utter failure. You can even find all the evidence everywhere you go, in every conversation, in every little detail, in the feeling of embarrassment that follows you or the disappointment that has you sinking your spoon into yet another bowl of Rocky Road.
Your mind can convince itself of anything, with the ‘evidence’ to prove it. So convince yourself that YOU WILL MAKE IT. Tomorrow’s still going to be there. It might suck, but it’ll be there.
Step 5: Never Ask “Why Me?”
I’m telling you straight: There is NO cheese down that tunnel. Whether you’re asking about something “good” or something “bad,” you will never get anywhere by asking, “Why Me?”
What does it matter anyway? Shit happens. Feel it and move on. Don’t get stuck in a mental loop wondering whether you deserved it.
If you have to ask a question, ask “What can I learn here?” instead. There is cheese down that tunnel, and 99.99% of the time, it’s freaking delicious.
Step 6: Don’t Be a Victim
Being a victim means relating to life as if it’s simply happening to you. If you notice that every story you tell is about how someone wronged you…you’re playing the victim.
If you think you have “bad luck” or say things like, “of COURSE that stupid thing happened to me.” You guessed it. Victim.
The antidote to victimhood: Accountability. It’s a word we hear a lot these days and maybe even one that has us break out in a cold sweat, but I’m telling ya: Accountability will set you free.
Rather than relating to life as simply happening to you, what would it be like to be feel like- to KNOW- that you’re at the helm, driving the whole ship? To be accountable for your own life and how it turns out? Try it on and see. I think you’ll be surprised.
What Unshakeable Confidence Makes Possible
Did you notice that all six steps have one thing at the center? YOU. Confidence is 100% an inside job.
True confidence comes from knowing that you can face hard things and survive, that you can face (not numb) your pain and thrive, that you can learn from your mistakes without blaming yourself for making them in the first damn place and that you can be the author of your own life. Hell, and probably win a Pulitzer for it!
The reason these six steps work is that they change the way you relate to yourself and your circumstances. You go from doubting to KNOWING. (And in the words of G.I. Jane, Knowing is half the battle!)
You’re up to big things in life. You wouldn’t be reading this if you weren’t. Think how much faster and more spectacularly you could fulfill your dreams if you weren’t wasting time wondering if you could do it.
You do have what it takes to change this world. So go get started, you badass beautiful being you. You got this.\
Access Accountability with Me!
Join me for my first quarterly retreat this September in Annapolis, MD. Surrounded by other high-achieving leaders you’ll get one-on-one coaching with me, plus access to a new community that will embrace you and hold you accountable for crossing the finish line of your big dreams. If you’re ready to level up, get inspired, and stay accountable, this is the retreat for you. Click here to learn more.